sabbatical…

I think I’ll be taking a bit of a blogging sabbatical.  as the daylight hours have increased, the hours for being inside and plucking away at the computer have decreased.  it seems like that with more day there should be more time to get stuff done, but it isn’t working out that way.  I’m not exactly sure where the hours go… I guess they get lost up at the park with the kids, walking to the store with friends, sitting by the fire with brian… … … anyway… … … just thought I’d let you know.  if you don’t hear from me for some long stretches… I’ll be outside, soaking up some love.

it’s so hard to say I love you when I want to choke you…

here I go again…

I love my kids.  you know I do.  but why is it that by the time bedtime rolls around, I really just want them to go to bed.  one more hug, one more story, one more question, on and on and on… one more trip to the kitchen, one more holler across the hall at your brother, one more, ‘I just need to find my socks.’…  ‘just go to bed!’. … … …  it’s so hard to say I love you when I want to choke you…  that’s what I’m thinking in my head.

 it is so hard to be patient at the end of the day.  I really, really want to be all lovey and cuddly and tuck them in sweetly with a blessing hanging in the air as I turn off their lights. … I just seem to have a hard time actually doing it.  it happens some times…  I’d just rather it was the rule and not the exception.

(even now I still have a wanderer who thinks he ‘heard a noise’.)  argh~

how do I do it?  how do I make bedtime go kindly and calmly?  how can I get my mouth to do what I want it to, what God  would want me to say,  instead of what just comes naturally to my sinful self?

I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.   Romans 7:15

In your anger do not sin!  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.   Eph 4:26-27

I know this.  I want to live by this.  I’m trying, really I am.  I think it is getting better… but still…  I’m so tired at the end of the day!  I’m worn down… weary…  how can it possibly be that when punkin wants me to come back to her room, again,  just to say she loves me, I’d rather she would just go to sleep.  it makes me sad to feel that way… it makes me feel bad, guilty. 

 I want to enjoy the moments… they will soon be gone… just one more thing I’m working on.

 

12 little things…

many of you are asking about the little presents I got from my dear friend.  so here’s the list.

a snowflake ornament

burt’s bees chapsticks

stationary

bath and body bubble bath… twilight woods… mmm, my new favorite

frosty berry candle

journal

devotional… streams in the desert

mints from abdallah… very minty

tea, that happens to be great iced, my favorite

hand care kit, for soft hands

snowflake napkins

and the last one was a ‘serenity’ figure ornament by willow tree

this was such a sweet thing to do.  I look forward to doing for a friend of mine sometime.  I especially love  presents, it is my love language you know, so this was a perfect thing for me. 

thanks again to thoughtful friend who did this.  it really did help me through the days.  I would look forward to opening a new little something every night.  I love you dearly.

happy birthday baby…

happy birthday baby, I wish that you were here.

I’d help you blow 1 candle out and sing and clap and cheer.

I imagine your pudgy legs and how you’d rub your eyes…

a tired face and ‘I want my mom!’ coming thru your sighs.

I miss the scent a home can have when filled with a baby boy… … …

but somehow…

this deep sorrow…

has also brought deep joy.

I know a calming peace that I can not understand.

it quenches my deepest longings like streams thru dry parched land.

I’ll be with you someday… although I don’t know when.

I’ll hold you tight, and kiss goodnight, your warm sweet baby skin.

we’ll be together always. and dance and laugh and sing.

there in the very presence of Christ… our Lord and King.

………………………………………………………

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever. … Psalm 30:11-12

oh sweet snowflake…

oh sweet snowflake

how I waited for you…

hoping and praying

since way back in june.

I waited thru summer

and then autumn too.

the months seemed so long

yet the days were so few.

and then in an instant

 you were actually mine. 

 I could hold you and touch you,

God’s perfect design.

Although you were tiny

no detail was missed.

I gave you my love

with 1 simple kiss.

then you were gone…

back to where you came from.

the Heavens above,

God’s glorious kingdom.

I still love you snowflake,

and I’ll see you again…

when this life is over

and a new one begins.

……………

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God himself is with men, and he will live with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from there eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Revelation 21:1-4

status update…

so here’s what’s going on…

some one really did  pay some of our hospital bills.  brian called to double-check and they said we had a zero balance.  I’m still amazed at this.  how generous.  and the best part is that I don’t have to see a bill to ‘luke matthews’ anymore.

I am having a hard time with words at the moment, but that is where I am, so I am just going to accept it and deal with it as it comes.  if you choose to continue to listen to my ramblings … my hurts and my longings, than wonderful.  if you want to check back when I’m a little more ‘up’  than that’s fine too.  but… this is where I am right now and I can’t just pretend happy for other people.  that wouldn’t be healthy anyway.  for the time being I am sad.  I feel a bit lost.  I don’t expect that everyone can handle sitting alongside me and just being in this anguish with me.  it makes people uncomfortable, I know that.  there are a few people who couldn’t talk to me after we lost luke and they can’t talk to me still… they may never talk to me again.  anyway, this is where I am.

my surgeries went well.  some cramping for a couple weeks was all I could really tell.  I’ll go in, in 3 months to make sure the essure is effective.  I’ll see how effective the ablation is next month.  what I am noticing is that emotional and physically I feel exactly the same as when I would have my period before.  I’m exhausted, my head aches and I’m a little short-tempered, crabby.  now, I know that those things were never supposed to change, it was just the hemorrhaging that was supposed to be better.  we’ll see.  I’m thinking that I may have to be on some kind of serotonin to keep a more balanced  perspective.  it is hard to know that I should  would be doing something different and yet not have the control to actually act on it.  it sucks to not be able to think straight 2 weeks out of the month and I  hate misspelling words, feeling so tired and worrying about who is going to go get some milk!  ahhhh!  I’m sure that in heaven I will have the perfect level of serotonin every single day.  just one more of the joys I look forward to.

we did shoeboxes and continue to do shoeboxes.  there is one on my table now for a little boy of about 1.  my mom left it for me to drop off at the warehouse.  I added a little brown moose and a new box of colors.  you could still make one too.

“F” is not going to be coming every morning anymore.  she will come when I need her bless her heart, but it wasn’t really making a huge difference in cole’s attitude when it comes time to get into ‘blue’. (his power chair)  and, I only have so many hours available for an aide.  she is a blessing though and I’m thankful that she is available when I need her.  she totally is thinking of me in the situation and not herself.  not many people will do that.

I want to end with the verse about coming alongside those who grieve, but I couldn’t find it quickly enough…  if you have it or find it, send it to me please.  thanks~

no more tears…

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more; 

neither shall there be mourning, nor crying nor pain anymore

for the former things have passed away.

Revelation 21:4

every week at my church, bethlehem baptist, there is a ‘fighter verse’ to memorize.  at the beginning of the service the pastor will ask if anyone has the verse memorized and would like to stand and share with the congregation.  someone usually  stands to say it.  this coming sunday, my entire small group, all 50+, plan to stand and say it together.  I am so excited.

I love this verse.  I spend a great deal of time thinking of Heaven.  I can hardly wait to get there.   in fact, if it were up to me, I’d all ready be there.  just think… … no more tears.

no more tears… … …

no more wheelchairs.  no more developmental delays. 

 no more hospital bills, or doctor bills, or anesthesiologist bills.  no more therapies. 

 no more ashes of my baby boy. 

no more mean people.  no more betrayal.  no more deception.  no more fights. 

no more high cholesterol, high blood pressure or high stress levels.

no more apert syndrome.  no more cruel stares and hurtful words.  no more surgeries and sicknesses.

no more gluten-free or lactose intolerant.  no more peanut free rooms.  no more epi-pens. 

no more death of babies or mamas….. or anyone for that matter.

no more strained, awkward, hurtful, complicated relationships.

no more anxiety, worry or fear.  no more antidepressants.

no more headaches, back aches or heartaches.

no more tears…..

maybe the trumpet will sound still tonight.  even though I am excited to stand and say this verse with my beautiful family, all 50+, on sunday, I can’t even imagine the joy of living this verse out….

I hope you are looking forward to Heaven.  I hope you know that you will one day be there too.  I hope you will tell me what you are looking forward to in Heaven.

much love to you~

run.

run. run away.  I just want to run away.  I have for about 8 months now.  today all I could think was run. so much so, that I grabbed my tennies and headed out.  I don’t know that it helped.  I got home dizzy, hot and still confused.  and now I have an enormous headache creeping up the back of my head. and I still want to run away.

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