send me to God…

January 31, 2009


today gabrielle got in a box and asked if i could send her to God.  she said, “just put me on the airplane and say ‘this one is going to God’ “.  if it were only so easy.

i asked if she really wanted me to send her and she thought for a moment and started to grin and said, ” can you ?” surprised she seems so willing, i say, “do you really want me to?”  she answers, ” i just want to see luke for a couple days.”  ….

how am i supposed to answer that? … put me in a box too?, …scootch over.,  stop asking me these things!…

God bless her and her simple faith.  i love her dearly and she is such good company right now.  i am happy that she was so willing to hop in a box and leave it all behind, if she could just go to heaven.



January 24, 2009

at some point in the last few months i mentioned that i would like a kaleidoscope.  brian let it slip that he was trying to plan a trip out to lake tahoe.  he thought we could go to a little shop we had been to before that sells kaleidoscopes and pick one out  for my birthday.  he is so wonderful.  not that we are going… but… to know that he thought of that makes me love him so much.

our lives have been like a kaleidoscope…  sometimes the main colors are dark, other times they are bright, but it has always been beautiful…

3 weeks ago

January 21, 2009

i don’t have the words for this…  i don’t know that i should even try… 

3 weeks ago, luke was born.  just a tiny little boy, yet perfectly formed.  i saw him alive for just a moment.  i wiped his little brow with my thumb.  he was all warm and pink.  then…

they took  him to the NICU.  his lungs were just not mature enough.  his lungs could not hold his breath.  after 80 minutes here with us he went HOME.  HOME….  i want to go too.  oh, to not hurt….  what is that like… when will the trumpet sound… face

snow angel

January 20, 2009

here’s my little snow angel, gabrielle.  i don’t know that i’ve ever seen anyone make snowangels so joyfully.  she would just throw her self back into the snow like it was a pool, lay there with her eyes closed … smiling.  it made me smile to watch her.  

i’m so glad she is home with me still.  she keeps me busy and distracted, and…   that seems to be the best medicine. nov-dec-08-039

dinner at the door

January 19, 2009

i woke up this morning to find dinner at our door.  just sitting there.  delivered by a friend, a sister in Christ.  she came and went without being asked, noticed or thanked… as have so many others over the past few months.  i am amazed at HIS provision, again.  so many times while going through this trial, this awful trial, HE has shown Himself to us.  reminded us that HE is with us.  showed us that even though we walk through the valley of shadows HE will be with us and provide.  whether by cookies delivered or by a pastors’ comfort. 

could i get over the surprised part about this (HIS provision) and remember to trust in HIM…….  HE will always provide.  food, shelter, a way out, even our salvation.  our Father knows exactly what we need. before we do.

the weaver

January 18, 2009

My life is but a weaving

Between my Lord and me,

I cannot choose the colors

He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow,

And I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper

And I , the underside.

Not ’till the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern he has planned.


Author Unknown

going public

January 18, 2009

we, brian and i, went out to do some errands tonight without the kids.  it is hard to go out.  besides it still hurts from the physical part of having a cesearean, it hurts emotionally too.  everything, everywhere makes me think of luke.  the elevator doors open and there’s a couple holding their little boy… why do i have to buy a book about ‘how to explain heaven to kids’? …. have the radio on?  forget it!  ….did we have to go in the mall entrance that is right by ‘motherhood’ maternity? 

all these people coming and going, laughing and carrying on as though nothing has happened.  can’t they see?  didn’t they hear?

i returned an outfit that we had gotten as a gift.  i was afraid they would ask why i was bringing it back.  how would i break it to them?  they would be so sad.  i didn’t want to talk about it. …..  they didn’t even ask.  they just issued a credit and moved on.  then i was sad.

why blog

January 17, 2009

me-025well…  there’s not a good way to introduce myself, not at the moment.  i can’t possibly tell you all about me in one conversation.  there’s to much… to much hurt, to much love, to many friends, to much laughter, to many tears.  let me start with where i am ‘right now’.  the rest will unfold over the course of time.

i’ve just lost a baby.  16 days ago.  my fourth child.  a little boy named luke.  he was delivered early, 30 weeks, and was small for his age.  the doctors thought his lungs would be okay.  our friends, family even people we don’t know had been praying for 10 weeks.  but his lungs were not mature enough to hold his breath….  he died after only 80 minutes.

 i can’t sleep.  i just cry.  it is so wrong to lose a baby.  every thought about him i could possibly have floods my mind as soon as the lights are out and i lay down.  he looked like his daddy.  his brother was so excited to be the ‘big’ brother.  i should be nursing.  that little cry.  the way newborns smell.  the way they stretch their backs and make that little face.  on and on and on and on……. why, why

so, my method of coping at the moment is to stay up late.  as late as i can.  like 1 or so.  then i am so tired i can’t think as much.  i crawl in bed and actually fall asleep.  it has worked the last few nights.  what can i do while i’m just trying to stay up?  this i guess.  i’m going to try anyway.  work on my typing.  computer knowledge.  sentence structure.  i don’t know.  as long as it is not thinking.

Hello world!

January 16, 2009

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