why blog

January 17, 2009

me-025well…  there’s not a good way to introduce myself, not at the moment.  i can’t possibly tell you all about me in one conversation.  there’s to much… to much hurt, to much love, to many friends, to much laughter, to many tears.  let me start with where i am ‘right now’.  the rest will unfold over the course of time.

i’ve just lost a baby.  16 days ago.  my fourth child.  a little boy named luke.  he was delivered early, 30 weeks, and was small for his age.  the doctors thought his lungs would be okay.  our friends, family even people we don’t know had been praying for 10 weeks.  but his lungs were not mature enough to hold his breath….  he died after only 80 minutes.

 i can’t sleep.  i just cry.  it is so wrong to lose a baby.  every thought about him i could possibly have floods my mind as soon as the lights are out and i lay down.  he looked like his daddy.  his brother was so excited to be the ‘big’ brother.  i should be nursing.  that little cry.  the way newborns smell.  the way they stretch their backs and make that little face.  on and on and on and on……. why, why

so, my method of coping at the moment is to stay up late.  as late as i can.  like 1 or so.  then i am so tired i can’t think as much.  i crawl in bed and actually fall asleep.  it has worked the last few nights.  what can i do while i’m just trying to stay up?  this i guess.  i’m going to try anyway.  work on my typing.  computer knowledge.  sentence structure.  i don’t know.  as long as it is not thinking.

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2 Responses to “why blog”

  1. drr said

    it’s a good start. i’ll be a follower

  2. Emily said

    Hi Jenifer,
    I think writing is a wonderful way to work through both the sorrowful and joyful times in your life. I hope you find some comfort in it.

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