going public

January 18, 2009

we, brian and i, went out to do some errands tonight without the kids.  it is hard to go out.  besides it still hurts from the physical part of having a cesearean, it hurts emotionally too.  everything, everywhere makes me think of luke.  the elevator doors open and there’s a couple holding their little boy… why do i have to buy a book about ‘how to explain heaven to kids’? …. have the radio on?  forget it!  ….did we have to go in the mall entrance that is right by ‘motherhood’ maternity? 

all these people coming and going, laughing and carrying on as though nothing has happened.  can’t they see?  didn’t they hear?

i returned an outfit that we had gotten as a gift.  i was afraid they would ask why i was bringing it back.  how would i break it to them?  they would be so sad.  i didn’t want to talk about it. …..  they didn’t even ask.  they just issued a credit and moved on.  then i was sad.

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