one trampled hyacinth

April 24, 2009

blog-007last week as we were headed off to school on a beautiful spring morning, dawson ran to tattle on gabrielle for smashing one of my flowers.  i’m instantly upset, as i had just spent the day before raking up all of the remnants of the previous fall and had been soo excited to see all that was growing and all ready blooming. 

there she was, standing on one of the rocks in the flower garden, all ready shouting that it was dawson’s idea to jump on the rocks and she couldn’t keep up with him when he made a big jump and so she landed on the flower… like i should feel bad for her because dawson was doing something that she couldn’t quite keep up with.  and, there was my newly discovered, first time blooming hyacinth stomped flat to the ground with what would have been tiny, individual, pretty, pink flowers laying in the dirt.

all emotion swelled quickly and i turned on them (dawson and punkin) quickly.  i spouted off something about how they have no respect for other peoples things and how it seems like if anything ever gets ruined around here it is always my things and how could they be so inconsiderate of something that i had been so excited about and had just showed them yesterday.

so with his backpack slung over his shoulder and her brown bear almost dragging on the path, they both headed for the van to sit in silence until i got there, with their heads hung low…very low.  i got cole on the bus and then came back to yell at them some more through the open side door of the van.  i debated about holding the tears back or letting them go and decided it would make them feel worse if i just let them go.  now i can tell they feel awful and gabrielle is crying and saying how sorry she is over and over.  i get in the van and drive to school in silence except to let them know that they had just better expect to be doing any yard-work i could come with from the moment school is done until daddy got home and then they would do whatever he could think of for them to do right up until bedtime and then go straight to bed! 

now, i do realize i am over reacting at the time i am doing this, but i can’t or don’t want to stop.  obviously, i realize, i am just one trampled hyacinth away from a breakdown. 

looking back, i know i could have handled that better.  like… ‘it’s okay sweetie. that was an accident.  it will be okay.  next time stay out of mama’s garden.  : ) ‘  and looking at the hyacinth today i realize … sometimes we get trampled and it doesn’t look good.  it is hard to imagine that it will ever be better.  but, by drawing on the strength within and persevering with help from the One who made all things, we can still grow… still be beautiful… still have that sweet aroma that lifts through the air up to our Maker…  still tell of all He has done with what others would have thrown out as ruined.  the broken leaves and missing blooms are just part of the story.

when

April 17, 2009

it seems like as much as I try to get on with my day, my life…. there is always some thing that brings me back to Luke.  it could be the neighbor baby who was born about the same time as Luke, the pregnant lady in front of me at every single store I go to, the way Brian LOVES to hold babies and make them laugh or like today, it is a letter in the mail from some company congratulating me on my new baby.

when will this be different?  when will I not notice the pregnant lady at target?  when will I hear the baby next door and not automatically, think… ‘is that the baby? my baby?’ or ‘that should be my baby’.  when will I be able to just throw away the damn enfamil without crying about it???

thankful

April 15, 2009

I’m using Easter as my kick off of change.  Not so much change as a better awareness of what I have.  Stopping and actually saying thank you for the gifts I have recieved.

I’m thankful for having my computer up and running, for actually finishing my BSF lesson this week, for warm weather and the whole feeling of rebirth that spring provides.  I’m thankful for a passionate love between Brian and I, that we can cling to each other through all things and that our marriage is the rock and foundation of this little family we’ve been blessed with.  I’m thankful for the conversation overheard at a child’s birthday party that went something like… ‘no, he didn’t die on thursday.  he died on friday.  and… easter is not all about the candy!’  What a blessing to have small children with such a knowledge and love of Jesus at such a tender age.

Mostly, I am thankful today for the fact that it is Wednesday and I don’t know how many weeks it has been since Luke died…. this is huge to me.  Even though I am well aware that it is Wednesday, and all the pain of what happened on this day, the number of weeks has left me.  This greatly encourages me.  One day I hope to have Wednesday go by without knowing and reliving the events and timeline of that one Wednesday.