mom got it right…

May 4, 2009

I watched my neice last week.  thursday thru sunday.  to do this I had to meet my brother in a small town half way inbetween here and there, which would be … around minneapolis, mn and around sioux city, ia.  when we met on sunday to get lauren back to her daddy and mama, my mom had sent ‘a project for the kids’ with my brother to give to me.  (my parents live around sioux city too)

my brother gave me a flat box with 4 little green planters in it.  they each had a tag with a name on it.  cole, dawson, gabrielle and… luke.  it caught me off guard.  I hesitated.  I couldn’t look at them to long.  I just shut the trunk and kept on going about the other business at hand.

those 4 little green planters stayed in my thoughts the rest of the day.

today, gabrielle wanted to plant her little seeds right away.  so we got them out and started working on hers.  of course she has a hundred questions about luke.  ‘why did meme send one for luke?’ being one of the first.  I had to think for a minute, or rather gather my thoughts and how to respond. … … … well … … … there are 4 kids.  after thinking about what I said, I realize I am right.  I do have 4 kids.  my mom knows this.  even though it made me temporarily sad, it is far better to have her remember luke too than it would be for her to not remember him … like it didn’t happen, like she’s trying to forget and doesn’t want to remind me. 

as I go along on this path through grief, that I would rather not be on, I find all these little things out.  it is far better to have people, not just my mom, remember luke than it is to have people treat me like ‘normal’.  I just had a funeral for my 4th child … not even 4 months ago!!  even though bringing up luke also brings a good chance of making me sad or making me cry, not asking hurts much more.  the odds are I’m thinking about him anyway.  I’m sad anyway.  I might cry anyway.  it is kind of like the day we didn’t get any more sympathy cards.  it was very hard, very sad.  even though I don’t want to be getting sympathy cards, the fact that people are thinking of me and are feeling bad for me helps to lighten the load, helps me get by.  now I have to wonder … is anyone thinking about me … does anyone remember what just happened … don’t they see this cloud of sorrow that follows me around … all the time.  I understand that people are uncomfortable, this is an uncomfortable situation, but ignoring it doesn’t help me.

so here’s my advice to everyone, because this will apply to you at some point if it doesn’t right now.  if you’ve ever thought, should I mention ‘it’, whatever the ‘it’ may be, you probably should.  if they don’t want to talk about ‘it’, they will probably say, ‘I don’t want to talk about it’.  if you thought, maybe it’s to late to send a sympathy card, it’s not.  you might be the one that keeps the ‘last day of cards’ from coming.  if you were going to mention only the 3 kids, don’t.  mention all 4.

mom got it right.  she remembered I had 4 kids.  she sent 4 little green planters even though she was probably not sure if she should mention it and even though she knew it would probably make me sad.  even though I was temporarily sad, I found joy in remembering luke on this beautiful spring day as I planted seeds.  I would have been thinking of him anyway. 

 thanks mom~blog-0011


One Response to “mom got it right…”

  1. Jennifer T. gave me the link to your blog…I lost my daughter 16 years ago…but reading some of your entries brought it all back…

    You are able to put into words so many of the exact same things I felt and thought back then…and I was so alone in all of it with nobody (at that time) who understood, really.

    Thank you for sharing your heart…and I promise that one day the shadow you live under right now, and the weight you carry in your chest that threatens to suffocate you sometimes, will be gone and only joy will be left. I don’t know how it happens…but it does. It just takes time…

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