today’s the day…

May 18, 2009

there they sit.  my anklet and toe ring.  still in the little bag from the hospital, complete with my name and room number on the sticker.  they’ve been sitting there since the day we came home without a baby.

let me take you back~

I’m laying on a very thin surgery table in a very cold room.  there are a good number of doctors all scrambling around me, more than usual since this is a teaching hospital.  there is also a neonatal team waiting in one corner.  I can’t even begin to describe the emotions, the thoughts flying through my mind.  (I can feel my pulse increasing, my temperature rising and the queasiness right before you throw up coming on now, just remembering it.)

there is some kind of checklist and time chart being shouted out.  a nurse is counting towels and tools.  the anesthiesiologist is a kind older man telling me to breath deep and another nurse is patting my hand. 

‘she’s got an anklet on.’  I hear someone say.  ‘and a toe ring.’  (I know I said I would take them off, but that was a no.)  now a nurse, who I think was assigned to follow me through the whole process, says she’ll take them.  I don’t know who took them off.  they got bagged and tagged like some kind of evidence or something.

back to present day~

the bag got tossed on my dresser as my hospital bag got unpacked.  there they sit.  I see them everyday.  I pick them up and read my name and room number.  I debate about getting them out.  the whole scene replays in my mind………  and then I put it back down. not today, I think.  I can’t open that little baggie today.  It still has the same air in it that held all this tension, all these emotions … the only air that luke breathed.

……………………………..

……………………………..

this morning when I was getting dressed, I thought, ‘today’s the day.’.  I held the bag for awhile. (took a picture of it … I don’t know why)  then I got out my anklet and put it on.

the bag is still on my dresser with my toe ring in it.  I have no plans of moving it.  one thing at a time.  the anklet itself was a big step.

dawson turns 10 018

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