May 26, 2009

me 012

I still don’t want to see any babies.

I still come across pregnancy paraphernalia, like a maternity shirt somehow folded into a blanket we used this weekend or the sharps container on top of the fridge.

I still have an awful, awful ache in my arms, a great emptiness.

I still glaze over every now and then, my mind just wondering about him.

I still seem to see every pregnant women out there.  They even sit right in front of me at church.

I still have a deep ache in my abdomen from the C-section.

I still hear something about Luke everyday from the kids.

I still get the bills from the hospital and doctors with Luke’s name on them.

I still have snowflakes up in my house.

I still secretly hope there will be a sympathy card in the mail or someone will drop off supper.

I still cry randomly.

I still sob sometimes to Brian late at night.

I still wonder why………………………………

I still cry when I’m typing about him.

I still remember Dawson’s happy little face walking into the hospital room expecting to see his little brother, that he had wanted sooo bad, alive.

I still wonder about all the decisions we made along the way.

I still wonder if it could have turned out differently.

I still remember how my dad almost fell to the ground when I asked him to hand Luke to me from his little isolate in our hospital room.

I still think about how soft and warm his little forehead was when I got to touch him before they took him to the NICU.

I still think about how hard it was to walk through the mall looking for something to wear to my baby’s funeral … how slow I had to move because I still hurt so bad form the C-section.

I still try to act like I’m okay and I’ve got it together.

I still try to avoid anything with babies or pregnant women … TV shows, movies, songs, pictures …. my life.

I still remember Brian taking the playpen back.

I still have his blanket on our bed … I sleep with it sometimes.

I still can’t figure out when it will be a good day and when it will be a bad day.

I still don’t understand how everyone is just going about their business like nothing happened.

I still have hope.

I still believe.


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