a new batch of troubles …

June 5, 2009

now that june is getting under way, there seems to be a new set of troubles following me around … so that would be 2 little black rain clouds.  instead of wondering where we would be right now if things had gone different with luke I am starting to remember where I was last year at this time.  like, a year ago I was just pregnant with luke.  technically anyway.  you know how they go off the first day of your last period.  a year ago my period was just starting, we were at my brother’s for the weekend to celebrate his birthday.  I remember it well as all my periods are very memorable.  : ( 

anyway … so now I have a sense of dread of all the anniversary dates that will be coming up that I’d rather not remember.  … the trip up north, or the conception tour as brian and I fondly call it … walking out to into our kitchen, early in the morning, with the little pee stick in my hand, to ask cathy, who was standing at the sink still in her jammies,  if she thought that looked like a ‘plus’ to her, while they were here over the 4th of july … talking to my mom on the phone about it as I watered the flowers and was happy to know she was worried about me and my health and yet excited for a new grandbaby …  getting 4 pairs of monkey pajamas at the end of july to surprise the kids with the big news … heading off to camp in august feeling sick and tired … the ultrasound at 20 weeks where we were so excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl, but only found out the baby was measuring  a little small and we need to have a level 2 ultrasound done shortly … finding out it was a boy right before our annual halloween party and my weekend up north with kathleen and jackie … finding out things didn’t look good, and they didn’t expect him to make to thanksgiving … grieving … spending every monday and thursday of november and december at southdale hospital for ultrasounds, doplars, and other screenings …  more greiving … being pregnant over christmas and just hoping beyond all reason that this would be the miracle we wanted, the one we prayed for, the one we deserved, the one that would make so many people see the awesomeness of our God and bring many sons to glory …  being in the hospital after christmas … being wheeled into the operating room on new years eve, while many friends had gathered in the waiting room to pray, and pray and pray … … … … … … … .. .

how will I make it through ???  how do I go through these days with empty arms and a head full of memories and what ifs ???  how do I celebrate all the new babies that were born to dear friends and famliy without my black rain clouds raining on them ???  how do I find joy in all this grief ???

 

I lift my eyes up to the hills –

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip-

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Isreal will neither slumber or sleep.

The LORD watches over you-

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm-

he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going,

 both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

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One Response to “a new batch of troubles …”

  1. Debbie Tucker said

    Hello Jenifer,

    So, we are just left with raw memories and emotions but we have a God who only asks us to look at HIM. He will watch our comings and goings. PEACE

    Love ya sweetie,
    Debbie

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