the hurt for others…

June 16, 2009

here’s what seems to really hurt deeply …

when brian holds other peoples babies.  it hurts because i know how much he loves little babies.  i know how good he is with babies.  i know he wants a baby of his own.  i know that he would be an awesome daddy, he has all ready proven himself time and time again.  i know that there is a pretty good chance that i can’t give him what it is that he wants.  i remember how he would rest his head against my side and say, ‘hang on big guy … we’re almost there’….

the way dawson glances at me when there is a baby around.  it hurts because i know how much he wanted to be a big brother.  i know how devastated he was and still is to not have a baby brother when ‘everyone else has a baby’.  i know he would have been a great helper to me and a wonderful big brother.  i know he wanted a brother that he could chase and throw a ball to and other physical things that typical  brothers do.  i remember how he would rub my tummy and talk to luke every night before bed…..

the way cole gets so excited to see and hold babies.  i know how much he loves to hold babies.  he always has.  i know he wants to kiss them on the head and sing little ‘la la la’ songs to them.  i know he wanted a baby brother too, but doesn’t have the ability to put his hurt into words.  i remember him kissing luke so happily on the head at the hospital…

the way gabrielle cries ‘ i just miss luke’ when it is time for bed.  i know she was so excited to be a big sister, to be able to be the little mama to a baby.  i know she thinks about luke all the time because she talks about him everyday.  i know she would have been so proud to show off her little brother as we walked around the block or went to church or out for lunch.  i remember how she would have conversations with him, through my flesh, when we would take showers … how she would pretend growl to scare him …

it sometimes seems that the hurt for them is worse than the hurt for myself.  i don’t want them to be sad.  i don’t want them to want.  i don’t want them to have to wonder what could have been.

again, i take comfort from His word …

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

my we comfort each other as we have been comforted…  we all need kindness, compassion, a shoulder to cry on, an understanding friend…


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