how many kids do you have???

June 19, 2009

White_square_with_question_mark[1]the question I dread.  the one I don’t know how to answer … the one I don’t want  to answer.  surprisingly, it comes up often.  like whenever you meet a new person, when you have a new appointment somewhere, even when you’re waiting in line at various places … target, the elevator, church, the playland at mcdonalds. 

the problem is that I know I have 4, but that is hard to explain.  do I really want to get into it with this person?  do I have time to explain?  do I want to talk about heaven with them?  it is easy to just say 3 and hopefully move on quickly, but … this makes me feel like I am leaving luke out and if one of the other kids is with me, they look at me and say, ‘no mama, there’s four … cole, dawson, gabrielle and luke.’ (this has happened more than once with more than 1 kid.)  what do I do?  what do I say?

I suppose it gives me good oppurtunity to witness to many and profess my faith … but …  sometimes … I don’t want to.  I’m tired, I’m weary, I don’t want to explain or get emotional in the checkout at target.

what would you say?

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One Response to “how many kids do you have???”

  1. Natalie Klejwa said

    Hi Jenifer,

    Just catching up on your blog. Everything you share brings back painful memories…it is like a vice that just squeezes tighter and tighter on the heart. It’s like a splash of cold water “reality”…after 16 years it is easy to avoid remembering the pain…just thinking of the little baby…memories just skimming the surface…in generic terms…and not wanting to hold her close again for fear of being swallowed up in the loss one more time. But your blog makes that impossible! It’s your Luke. But it’s my Elizabeth too. And a million other babies over the course of history who printed their parent’s lives with a brief touch…and then disappeared…leaving such a chasm of loss. Your blog makes me remember. It makes me cry. It brings my baby back to me and makes me miss her and desperately want her all over again. I’m so sorry for all the muddle that grief has brought into your life. Into so many lives. Please know that you are not alone. When you are melting away on your couch…you are not alone. When you don’t know what to say at Target, you are not alone. When you see the newest newborn at church, you are not alone. When you can’t have all the “normal” sisterly conversations you wish you could have, you are not alone. As you begin marking all the anniversaries of all the happy and then terrifying memories of a year ago…you are not alone. In addition to all of your “sisters” who have walked the same road, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Ps. 34:18 You are a dear soul…and I am thinking of you and praying for your joy to return in full measure one day.

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