I can’t do it…

I can’t do it.  I just can’t.  Not yet.  Someday…  I’m working on it anyway.

I can’t leave him behind.  Maybe that’s not the right way to say it, but that is exactly how it feels.  How could we go on a family vacation without all of our family?  It just won’t work.  The whole time I will wonder what he is doing, if he is sad, if he feels rejected by even his own mama.  Of course all the worst things I can imagine are what I am going off of.  Not all the good things…. like being ‘normal’ for a couple days, like the fact that Cole is much happier at home playing his favorite games and his favorite friends than being outside in the hot and sun. (which neither of are tolerated well by him) 

I know it would be fun for Dawson and Gabrielle to go out with just Brian and I.  I know that it would be good  for them.  I know this from books, doctors and friends that are in the same situation.  It is just a lot easier said than done.

I plan to work at it though…. and more seriously than before.  Maybe we’ll stay overnight somewhere here in the cities again.  Maybe we’ll go to a movie after church and let Cole go home with friends.  Maybe…. LORD give me strength for the maybe.