July 12, 2009

I didn’t go to church today.  I’m still feeling … betrayed … by Him…  

one of the definitions of betray is ‘to fail to uphold’.  I think this describes how I feel.  how could He possibly allow such a blow to me?  I mean, come on.  my house is my safe place.  I can’t control the world and who I run into when I am out and about, but I thought  I could control my living room!  I don’t have to have pregnant women or little babies or boys named luke in my house … it is my space to control, to be safe, to not even have to think about being ‘on guard’.  and the part that really, really stings is that this is a bible study!  here I am inviting people over to study His word, taking a step out of my comfort zone for Him and this is what I get?!?!  I don’t even know what to say….  I can only shake my head in confusion and anger and hurt and…… the feeling of betrayal.  the feeling of being stabbed in the heart, as I was happily sitting in my living room, completely unsuspecting, …  by the One whom I love, ……………       He should have been the one to protect me.


so now what?  well …  I’m fine with ‘luke’s mom’ being in my living room.  I don’t think it will be that big of a deal.  but what do I do with the hurt …. …. … that feels like …. … … He  has caused allowed? 

let me just clarify that I know  He is for me, I know  He always does what is best for me, I know  He loves me more than I can imagine.  but.  that doesn’t change the way I feel … what this feels  like.

how do I get over feeling  angry with God?  


How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.  Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death:

 my enemy will say, ” I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love: my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13


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