my tiny offering…

August 12, 2009

luke's heart 013

there is a song by mercy me called ‘God with us’.  it is a beautiful song.  during the bridge, the lyrics say, ‘such a tiny offering… compared to calvary.  nevertheless, we lay it at your feet.’ … … I always think of luke.  he was my tiny offering.  in more than one sense. 

of course, physically, he was tiny.  I’ve never thought a word actually fit a description better than, luke is tiny.  just 2 days ago, gabrielle had a little doll or something (I can’t remember the thing) and she wanted to know if it was about the same size as luke.  she asks me this often.  I think because she held him and marveled at his tinyness and perfect form.  he was like a baby just for her, the perfect size for her to hold.  it must be what she remembers most.

a couple other moments really stand out. 

 the moment they pulled him from my body and declared he was out.  there was a whelm of peace that came over me.  finally!  finally!  I am not responsible for his life, death, health and well being.  it is totally up to God now.  (of course I know God was in control the whole  time, but that is a very hard concept when the child is in  you.)

and the moment when the doctor came into the recovery room, as I lay under half a dozen heated blankets, shaking  uncontrollably, still numb from the chest down and said, ‘he’s very sick.’  (an odd choice of words I thought)  I replied… … … ‘let him go… … I don’t want him to hurt.’  … … … … … … … … … … …

 of course this was a situation brian and I had all ready talked about.  at some point life saving measures do become to much.  we really didn’t want him to be being poked and tubed and ventilated and compressed and on and on and on it could go.  it was better to let him go.  we will have him again … vibrant and well.

then there is the fact that even though losing luke was at the edge of insanity, could I ever give enough to justify my welcome into heaven?? … no.  if I lost them all, it still wouldn’t be enough.  since HE has payed my ransom and I will not know the agonies of hell, I will do my best to make it through this life in an honoring way.  giving up what HE asks, taking what HE gives.

so luke is my tiny offering.  I can give him back to God, knowing in my heart that He sees the whole picture while I see just a part.  there must be a reason.  whether I see that reason here on earth or not until I go home is a good question.  and what could I possibly say to HIM? … … ‘YOU don’t know what it like to lose your son?!’  … … no, because HE does know that hurt, and in a much more tremendous way than I ever could.  HE gave HIS son so that I might be able to see mine again.  HE gave HIS son so that I could know eternal life.  HE gave HIS son so I could be in HIS presence and give HIM glory and honor and praise and blessing…. …. …. right beside luke.

such a tiny offering…

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2 Responses to “my tiny offering…”

  1. Oh, wow…such tears for my sore eyes….Jenifer, this was so beautifully expressed. All that we lay down in this life is such a tiny offering compared to Calvary. But how hard it is to keep perspective! Oh, that we would live well, and run well this side of eternity, laying aside the weight of our own sin, our own selfishness, all the things that we want…it is hard. Hard to let go, hard to keep running sometimes when we don’t see the finish line and forget the prize. I look forward to the day when I can meet Luke and hear him laugh and see him clearly. You inspire me with your honesty and transparency. Run well, dear friend, be strong and of good courage for HE is with you and in you and FOR you….much love, Dawn

  2. Angela said

    God is using you Jenifer in mighty ways. Ways to touch people that you may never see. Yet I know HE is not done and He has a mightly plan for you…as you live in the abundance of his MIGHTY LOVE!!!!!

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