fall into heaven…

August 20, 2009


the first night of camp there was a welcome meeting of sorts.  all the families get together in this theater and there are little skits by the STMs (short term missionaries), introductions and singing.  when the pastor, who is actually one of our pastors, got up to intoduce  himself to the crowd, he also explained how it is that he has come to have a heart for the disabled and how close this matter really is to him.  as he went on to talk of his son and how he was born at 25 weeks, I could feel my temperature start to rise.  I was getting uneasy with all the talk of premature birth.  then they put up some different pictures of their son while he was in the NICU.  … … …

I was doing okay until I made eye contact with a friend.  then I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  I leaned over to Brian and said, ‘I don’t want to be here.’  he said, ‘let’s go.’  and so we did. 

I headed to the edge of the camp which happens to be a good size cliff of sorts down to the lake.  still trying to hold it together, I just stood staring down at the water … … wondering if I would jump, could it kill me?  and even if it didn’t (which it probably wouldn’t), could I hold myself underwater until I died?  could I fall into heaven?

I still get this feeling, though it comes less often, of just wanting to run.  I want to get away from it.  as if I could run to a place or for a certain time and that would make it better.  and the hardest part is, that I don’t now when it is going to happen.  it is completely random.

… … … … … … … …

there is something about knowing that luke is literally just a heartbeat away.  sometimes I think, that even though it seems like it will be a long time before I get to see him, he actually isn’t that far away.  if I die right now, I would see him pretty shortly thereafter I believe.  I would guess he’ll be talking with Jesus as I arrive home.  it is a comforting thought anyway.

please don’t fear for my sanity, my safety.  I am doing fine.  I won’t be deciding when I meet luke or Jesus for that matter.  I’ll leave it up to God.  I need to be here to take care of the ones I’ve been entrusted with on this earth.  I want to be with brian.  there must be something that still needs accomplished in my life.  so, I continue on. trying to  hold it together and accomplish something that will be glorifying to Him.

Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, declares the Lord.  …  Jeremiah 31:16


One Response to “fall into heaven…”

  1. Debbie Tucker said

    thanks for you honest response. If you only knew how many times I ask my Bryan. Could we just run away together..right NOW. I am always asked “where” and I say I don’t even care where. Sometimes he will say this same thing to me. “run away with me”. I think it is a reaction to everything that seems out of our control. Usually it is when I am so fed up with pills and doctor bills, expenses and more pills and calling prescriptions in and and and and you get the idea.

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