battle of self…

August 27, 2009


as I am nearing the end of my ‘cycle’ I can sense the overwhelmingness of it coming like a massive black thunderhead looming on the horizon, with the smell of rain on the breeze and distant lightening flashing randomly behind the clouds.

  I am so so tired, not like I haven’t slept well tired, like medically exhausted… like when you are pregnant and just can not get enough sleep even if sleeping is the only thing you do!  it sucks.  I want to get up and get going.  there are things to do and kids to feed and dishes and laundry and phone calls and appointments and therapies….  so I roll over and cover my head and think to myself, ‘ just 15 more minutes’.  … … …   so then I lay there feeling guilty because I’m not up, showered, dressed, morning devotional under my belt and a healthy breakfast in hand as I gaze lovingly at the little sleeping faces of my wonderful children.

… … …

that’s just the tired part.  now, how about the emotional roller-coaster.  3 weeks ago I was feeling great.  like tony the tiger ‘G-r-r-r-r-eat!’.  I could take everything in stride.  I felt very blessed.  I loved brian… alot.  everything seemed like not a big deal.  I was happy and fun to be around.  exercise was fun not just necessary.  eating better was not such a chore.  I think to myself, ‘I so don’t need to be on an antidepressant.’ … … … now I feel like blah.  like blah, blah, BLAH.  I really don’t care about anything.  I feel cursed.  I love brian, but he annoys me … … for no other reason than he didn’t rinse out his glass of milk.  everything is a big deal.  I’m crabby and it would be better to just avoid me.  exercise seems stupid.  and eating??  I want a ‘baconator’ from wendy’s.  I think to myself, ‘I should be on a much stronger antidepressant.’

I also seem to lose a good deal of mental capacity.  I can’t remember much, like ‘why did I come into my room?’.  words slip my mind.  math is almost impossible.  I know we need milk and yet trying to decide who and how and when we should get the milk is overwhelming.  really.  I could cry about trying to decide about milk.  I have a panic attack about not having milk.  and since I’m panicking, I might as well try to figure out how I am going to get my little family out of here when the MOA is bombed by terrorists…  we’ll have to take the truck because there isn’t a high enough clearance on the van and the roads will probably be all messed up and we may have to drive through fields or ditches.  we’ll just have to put cole’s wheelchair in the back and pray that works. … … what if we have to run …?????  how will we run with cole???

the cramping begins.  like, double you over, stop what you are doing and just hope it passes quickly cramping.  a cocktail of percocet, muscle relaxers, and super anti-inflamitories worthy tension headaches.  everyday aches and pains magnified.

all of this … … … every month … … … over and over again.  once the dam breaks, so to speak, I will be fine.  I’ll be the me I want to be all the time.  right now I just wait as the flood waters rise and the dam starts to give way.

God bless brian for putting up with this.


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