no reason to cry…

October 11, 2009

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as I stomp off to the garage, holding back the tears, I try to figure out why I am so emotional.  why does it seem like everything is going wrong today?  I have no patience and I just want to lay in bed and sob.  I tell myself that I have no reason to be so emotional… I have no reason to cry.  no sooner than I thought that to myself, the other side of me… the honest side, said, ‘oh yes you do.’.

it seems like I am thinking about luke all the time.  all these fast approaching 1 year anniversaries feel like they could overtake me at any moment.  a year ago we still didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl but we were about to find out.  a year ago we thought everything was fine but we were about to find out that it wasn’t.  a year ago the kids were so excited to have a new baby in the house but now they wonder why God would take our baby straight to heaven.  a year ago I was happy… but now… I am not.

there are little reminders all around.  his blanket still gets moved from room to room.  gabrielle still talks about him like he is here.  I just took a sharps container down from on top of the refrigerator that was full of my old needles from the shots I had to take during the pregnancy.

and then there are other things.  things like getting ready to take a family picture without all of the family present.  the first snow, which came so quickly.  I wasn’t ready.  I was hoping  this would be a year of little snowfall.  I was hoping because, every single snowflake makes me think of him.  I can’t even tell you how much I dread to see the snow falling so softly from the sky.  and there are absolutely no words to explain how I fear those remarkably beautiful snowfalls where you can actually see the fine details of each individual, awe inspiring snowflake.

I will still hope that the coming months will not be as bad as I imagine.  that all those 1 year anniversaries will come and go and not drop me to my knees.  that somehow peace that transcends all understanding will carry me through.  that somehow I might find joy in the coming season…. or at least that joy will find me.

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One Response to “no reason to cry…”

  1. wendy said

    If I saw a way to send this to you privately, I would, but I think about Luke all the time. I was your nilmdts photographer, I have been praying for you and your family since I met you. I think of your sons and daughter, your sweet husband and gorgeous baby Luke, so tiny and perfect. Just to let you know you have been and always will be in my heart along with your sweet baby.

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