blue christmas…

November 29, 2009

” I’ll have a blue christmas without you.” never sounded more true.  it’s been playing in my mind almost  constantly.  like usual, everywhere I go I am aware of what isn’t… what I don’t have… what I’m not buying… who I’m not carrying.  it isn’t anyones first christmas or first taste of stuffing.  I don’t have to be careful about putting ornaments on the bottom of the tree or having chokeable decorations out.  I’m not buying a pair of cuddly soft reindeer jammies or bibs that say I love my daddy.  I’m not carrying luke around. … I’m not carrying luke around.

this sucks.

“to think that Providence would take a child from his mother as she begs, is appalling”, “how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive” … another song that plays in my mind often.  I don’t fully understand it, but these lyrics are exactly right.

yet, somehow… I have joy.  (there is a dramatic difference between joy and happiness… just to be clear)  I make through the days.  I make it through target and the baby rows, most of the time. (I did have to bolt from a favorite pop up toy of mine that I had picked up and started to play with, when devastation started rolling at me like the huge boulder chasing after Indian Jones.)  I can smile.  I can laugh.  it is fleeting and I do have to make an effort, but I can do it.

so, now along with the snowflakes, I’ve decided my favorite christmas color will be blue.  not a baby blue.  a very deep and rich blue.  an almost midnight, but not quite its darkest.  here’s a psychologists opinion of blue, that seems right on and makes me love blue all the more.

[Blue is a cool calming color that shows creativity and intelligence.  It is a color of loyalty, strength, wisdom and trust. Blue has a calming effect on the psyche.]

I think God likes blue.  I think He understands it.  He used it often in building the tabernacle, the curtains, the linens, the hems of the garments.  mordecai wore robes of blue after esther saved the jews.  it’s a good solid color.  I’ll be having a blue christmas… from here on out, until further notice.  I’m okay with that.  I think God is too.

 

 

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One Response to “blue christmas…”

  1. Have you read C.S. Lewis’ book A Grief Observed? It was written after the loss of his beloved wife, Joy. I know it’s apples and oranges, but I thought of it when I read your comment about the difference between Joy and Happiness.

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