time doesn’t heal…

February 2, 2010

so after another wave of grief, I’m thinking that time doesn’t heal.  it only takes the pain and moves it a little farther away.  like on a physical plane… like my mom and dad live in iowa, but there are still there.  just a little further away than right here in my immediate physical circle.  this is why I think people say or think that time heals.  the pain of not having luke here, of having to leave the hospital without a baby is still the same.  it just hurts.  but the reality is that my life goes on.  there are many things that are invading my more immediate space that need my attention… like getting cole dressed, dealing with school IEPs and state ISPs, making sure gabrielle knows how to get along on the bus home from kindergarten, helping dawson finish his math homework, making supper, washing clothes, arranging dates… on and on and on.  you know what it is like.  the pain of the loss of luke just gets pushed further out on the physical plane.

and then… something happens that brings luke front and center.  like a slow, steady, beautiful snowfall.  and I’m thinking learning that when these waves come around I need to just be in that moment.  I need to just be sad.  this is a profound sadness.  what can I possibly pray?  ‘God, please make me not be sad any more.’  that doesn’t really seem right.  maybe the answer is just be sad.  except it. it is a sad thing and it only makes sense that sometimes I’m going to be sad.

I think it is good to be realizing this.  I may not have completely understood this,  but a friend who  lost a child said something to the same effect a while ago.  I couldn’t really put my finger on exactly what she meant until today.  I also had a run through conversation about this same thing with another good friend this morning.  so here I am… sad, missing my baby and just excepting it.


One Response to “time doesn’t heal…”

  1. wendy said

    Hey– you have been on my heart this week and I just wanted to share a little love with you! I do hold your family in my prayers daily!

    lots of love to you!

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