I wish I was nursing…

March 4, 2010

I watched the office tonight.  that was probably a mistake.  it was the whole ‘nursing ‘ thing that got me tonight.  I wish I was nursing.  I was a good nursing mama.  I could nurse here or there or anywhere.  not in a showy way, I just mean that I could nurse without all the blankets and fuss and embarrassment and on and on.  of course, I guess you could say that I also had good nursing babies.  oh how often I heard, ‘oh.  I didn’t know you were nursing.’ or ‘are you nursing?’. 

I miss that… 

I didn’t start out so great, back 13  years ago!  I remember not being able to nurse in front of anyone at first.  not even my dad.  and once, when we were out and about, I tried to nurse cole in a bathroom stall.  (which didn’t work well at all!)  by the time gabrielle came around I would nurse out in the front yard, without a blanket or anything while the kids were playing.

another sad thing is that you never know when it’s going to be the last one.  the last time you are going to nurse that baby.  …  well, maybe you would know.  I was never that planned, scheduled, organized… whatever you want to call it.  it is such an incredible bond.  such an indescribable experience.  I know that there are times when you just want to be done.  when you want your own body back.  I felt that too.  but then, it is still such a sweet and fleeting time…  how you can hear every little swallowing sound, how those little milk bubbles form in the corner of their mouths, how they hold on to the collar of mama’s shirt, how they are absolutely passed out after a full nursing with their little arm laying limp above their little head and they are still making that sucking motion with their  little mouths even though they aren’t latched on anymore…

I wish I was nursing.

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