the one who isn’t here…

May 7, 2010

as mother’s day fast approaches, I know I should be happy about my kids… I want  to be happy about my kids, but instead of being thankful for the 3 that are here I am consumed by the thoughts and terribly short memories of the one who isn’t here.  the one whose picture is usually the last thing I see at night… the tiny perfect hands and feet of my fourth born.  the one who was born all warm and pink and wiggling and resembling his father as much as  the other 2 boys.  the one who was held by so few.  the one that very few friends have the courage to speak of and the one that many seem to think not mentioning his name or existence is the best way to handle it.

I also know that I should be happy for others as they are blessed with babies and healthy pregnancies… I want to be happy for them. … … … … … … I am not.  I suppose at some point that will change.  I hope it changes.  right now  I just can’t seem to find happiness for them.  the hurt and anguish and blackest parts of my heart fight to get a hold of my thoughts.  they want to say horrible things like, ‘well isn’t that nice for you… let’s pretend your baby dies now and see how you feel.’  or how about, ‘isn’t that so beautiful… your big round belly.  let’s just pull that little baby out of there and see if it will make it.  let’s see if his lungs are ready.’  and then of course I’d have to add-on, ‘I know it’s awful to say or pretend that… and even doing so you still would have no idea of the actual suffering that something like that causes. … I do.’ 

for now… I turn my head.  I don’t look.  I try to avoid the pregnant women and little babies… and little boys about 1-1 1/2.  I try to pray.  quickly.  Lord, help me take these thoughts captive.  take them away.  purge this darkness in my heart.  give me strength.  steady my mind and my shaky hands.  calm the storm or at least get right here in this little boat with me.  stop this quivering lip. … … … you’ve promised strength for the weary, comfort for the broken-hearted, peace that transcends all understanding…  I’m waiting on you, Lord.  could you honor your promise now?  for your own name’s sake… can you bind this broken heart?  give me beauty instead of ashes, gladness instead of mourning, praise instead of despair? (Isaiah 61:3)

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  2 Corinthians 10:5

Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope.  Psalm 119:49

…but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.   Isaiah 40:31

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3

And the peace that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7




2 Responses to “the one who isn’t here…”

  1. Renee said

    … thinking of you today. He should be here with his Mommy…


  2. laura said

    hugs Jenifer…i can’t even begin to understand or know how you feel…but i understand the darkness…and i wish for you light…

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