July 31, 2010

so you know when people who have lost someone say, ‘I think of them everyday.’?  I used to think that was probably a bit of an exaggeration… now I know that it is not.  I do actually think of luke everyday.  absolutely everyday.  sometimes it seems like I think of him all day long.  I think of him when I do a head count of kids in the van.  I think of him when I see pregnant women, little babies and toddlers.  there are a whole bunch of words that trip me up… like the name luke, anything about pregnancy, anything about death, anything about suffering.  I think of him when I hear songs on the radio, songs about Heaven, songs about loss, songs about suffering.  I think of him whenever we have to drive by my OBs office.

even though I still think about luke everyday,  it has gotten easier.  I don’t necessarily cry when I hear his name.  I can mention him and his life and feel pride and joy instead of just anguish.  I am proud to be the mother of 4.  I do almost always cry when I hear songs on the radio… but that was true before.

I’m not sure why I am mentioning this… maybe just to let you know that people who have lost a dear sweet someone probably do think of them everyday.  if you see someone and wonder how they are, or where they are in their grief… go ahead and ask.  tell them that you still remember that person too.  tell them you remember them at certain times or when you hear certain songs.  I’m guessing they would be happy to hear they aren’t the only one that still remembers or thinks of that certain special someone.


I ran into ‘joy’ today.  it was like meeting an old friend after years apart.  even though I hadn’t seen her for a while… a long while, we were able to come back together like there hadn’t been a significant span of time between our last meeting.  and oh was it good to be in the presence of ‘joy’ once again.  I have missed her.  I didn’t really realize how long it had been since I had felt so excited and happy.  I sense more of a sparkle of hope in my own eyes than the glossed over look of grief.

it feels so good to be happy for someone and the good news that they share.  in this case it happens to be the engagement of a very dear friend.  I’ve been waiting for this news.  but even though I really felt like this engagement would come along at some point, I didn’t anticipate how wonderful the actual event would be.  something to look forward to.  something to talk about.  something to celebrate. 

maybe it’s because it isn’t about a baby… (this news of course could lead  to a baby … and I’d be happy about that too)

and I’m sure of course, that this engagement is so exciting because I love this friend with all of my heart.  we’ve been friends for a very long time.  since first grade… it was the first grade field trip to the hospital when we were assigned to sit together on the bus.  that’s where we meet.  I think we shared a ride to and from school for the next 12 years almost every day.  we would drink kool aid from my thermos on the way home from elemantary school and pretend we were having wine.  we spent lots and lots of friday nights staying up until midnight so we could watch friday night videos.  one particular friday evening we spent our time burning all the valentines we had received at school that day in the fireplace and laughing about the messages on the cards… especially the ones from ‘boys’.  we went to our senior prom together, just the 2 of us in a limo.  (I still can’t believe we didn’t have dates for that event.)  we’ve stayed in touch ever since high school and still see each other when we can.  we’ve comforted each other through some pretty unbearable times.  we’ve laughed so hard… so many times… even during mass.  if ever I had a sister… someone who I had better keep close, because she’d be to great of an enemy with all the information she has on me… this is the girl.

it’s been a long time ‘joy’, but I am so glad to be in your company again.

congratulations my very dear brown-haired friend!  I am so happy for you.  … as I looked for a picture of us, I noticed that we are beside each other in almost all the pictures I have from school… which makes this ‘joy’ I’ve run into today all the much sweeter.  I love you friend…

a little kiss from God as I long for my baby…

a wonderful friend and neighbor came by with 4 blue delphinium for me from the nursery.  I had mentioned how pretty hers were a few days ago and somehow, (I know how) she just felt like she should stop at this little nursery she drives by and pick up a couple for me to plant at my house.

that in and of itself was wonderful.  it made me smile and feel greatly comforted.  and then…

another friend, a fellow cheerleader mom whom I haven’t talked to since november sent me these:


hopefully you can see these.  I don’t know if it will work or not.  if you can’t, they are pictures of my friend’s family letting balloons go this winter.  she just happened to send me the link yesterday… just happened to.

that’s all.  a small note of encouragement.  I hope that through my encouragement you too will be encouraged.

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement…  Philemon 1:7

one and a half…

July 1, 2010

well… luke would be one and a half.  we would be having a little half birthday party for him just like we do for all the kids.

but we’re not.  instead, I just went to  bed and cried about it.  I want my baby.  here I am with empty arms… just as much today as back in december when he died.  the reminders are always right there.  yesterday, I found this dump truck and monster truck in a crock while brian and I were cleaning and sorting.  they were dawson’s.  I had been saving them… now what do I do with them?

this all started about 3 days ago when dawson asked me how we would have luke’s half birthday when there is no june 31.  I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  I wonder how often dawson thinks of him…

the kids were gone for 3 days.  they stayed with a very dear friend who helps us so much.  she is the only one who has ever voluntarily taken all 3 of them for an extended amount of time… being overnight.  having them gone is nice because brian and I are able to get so much more done, but having them gone also leaves a lot of quiet.  there aren’t any distractions.  and honestly, I think I survive by the distraction right now.  the reality of my life is very heavy.  the road looks very long, very hard … … …

anyway.  I suppose it is good to have to stop and face it.  to look around at how it is, how it is going to be.  to slow down and miss my baby…  to cry over his loss… to realize how much work a disabled child is… to cry over the death of all the dreams I had for him…

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

brian and I had a great time together.  we got a lot of work done around here.  cleaning, weeding, planting… different gardens around the house filled with bleeding hearts, bittersweet, baby’s breath, coleus and forget me nots…  and although I am physically tired from the manual labor of the last few days and my eyes are red and puffy from crying, I feel okay.  I lean on Christ to be my comforter and strength.  I will not go about as those who do not have hope.  I will hold unswervingly to the hope I profess, for he who has promised eternal life is faithful.  I will fix my eyes on Christ and remember that he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  I will do my best to consider these trials pure joy, knowing that the testing of my faith will produce perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I will remember that this life of mine is but a mist.

Blessed is the man who preservers under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love  him.  …   James 1:12