the world pulls hard…

August 17, 2010

it seems like that when I’m having a hard time, the world pulls hard.  by that I mean that, for instance, when my 13-year-old pees on the couch, again, there is a very strong desire for me to run away.  when my daughter and her friend decide to play beauty shop and my friend’s daughter ends up needing an appointment to fix what is left of her hair,  I wonder if there is maybe a different life out there for me.  I want to leave it all behind.

  there’s this crazy part of me that wants to think that if I just drive off, there could be something better… the things this world has to offer.  kind of like the song ‘rock star’ by nickleback.  I feel willing to trade this life for fortune and fame… willing to trade all of eternity filled with joy, just to have some fleshy pleasure for the here and now.  like maybe I could be some super star belly dancer out in vegas… I’d be taller of course.  my life would consist of laying in the sun, poolside, with some ridiculous expensive couture bikini and a fine-looking poolboy to bring me fresh water and put oil on my back… (oh, wait.  I’m keeping brian for this part of the fantasy.  I’ve run this by him before and he has no problem with me being his sugar mama)  I’d still have the poolboy, the trainer, the chef, the personal shopper, the driver, the gardener.  they’d all be handsome.  there would be lots of world traveling and shopping.  an amazing yacht in the mediterranean, a luxe cabin in aspen, some beautiful little bungalow in an undisclosed tropical locale….  I’d be fluent in several languages and pick up new ones as I traveled.  the ‘eagles’ would be friends of mine and they’d do a private concert for me and some close friends….  I’d be closing down all the most popular clubs.  I’d be doing all the things that this world tells me are fun and rewarding.  and it would seem I had not a care in the world………………………..  I want an immediate escape to this live that has’t turned out the way I expected…

I have to make a conscious decision to not focus on the troubles of my little life at this particular moment.  I have to decide to look forward to the day when there will be no more pain, hurt, disappointment, frustration or sorrow.  a day when I am not standing around with empty arms or cleaning up someones poop for the 3rd time today or apologizing for the new haircut.  a day when there will be a new heaven and a new earth and there will be sheer joy!  I’ll be able to see this earth not as this shadow version, but as the ‘more than I can imagine’ version.

maybe this strong desire is actually a desire to go home….  my real home.  I know that the darkness would love for me to think that ‘living it up’ here is as good as it is going to get so I might as well throw caution to the wind and just go ahead and live my rock star life.  evil would have me think that what the world has to offer… fortune, fame, sex, alcohol, drugs is just the kind of medicinal help I need … … … … … the thing is, that my eyes have been opened… and even though the world does pull hard at me sometimes, I know better.


I wanna be a cowgirl…

August 14, 2010


there’s my little dreamer… watching the big horses stamp their hoves and roll in the dust as she holds her much-loved stick pony, whitey.  she wants a horse so bad.  of course, at this point she has no idea of the reality of owning a horse.  I’m sure she just imagines herself trotting along through the wide open pasture, stopping to pick some flowers and eat some triscuits and cheese slices…  she couldn’t even understand the expense or time or food or poop that is involved.  … … … kind of like me before I had kids. 

for now, whitey will have to do.  he gets plenty of excercise around here.  she gets him out and brushes him and runs him for laps around the house.  she even plays ‘kitty round-up’ with him, just like a real pony.  (the kitty does not like this game)  and… he’s bought and paid for, eats very little and poops even less.

someday little dreamer… and if not here in this life, in Heaven for sure.