if you want me to…

September 30, 2010

bible study has started.  I’m excited about studying Isaiah this year with good friends, in a new location.  I’ve got a close friend by my side in my discussion group that, sadly, and yet, thankfully, knows my pain.  I feel like I’ve made a few steps forward in this grieving process that is taking way  longer than I want it to.  and somehow, I still almost ended up throwing my hands up and walking out, planning  to never return.  let me tell you about the ‘somehow’.

after a pleasant morning of being thankful for being in this study, thankful to see a flood of new women coming to bible study, thankful for the men who volunteer to get all these women into the parking lot in an orderly fashion, (no really… I am super thankful for them), thankful for the friendly greeter, thankful for the amazing sound of these many voices lifted together in praise, thankful for the tried and true friend who smiles as I walk in to sit by her…  I feel like I get a couple swift upper cuts as I sit down, not guarding myself in any way.  the first of which is the new pregnant lady who sits to my left, which stung a little , but not as bad as before.  the second blow was the one that really took my breath away and caused me to stumble.  the one that caused my body temp to rise and all that queasiness to stir and the desire to run kick in.  the new girl across from me, who looked vaguely familiar, was the same women who happened to be in my house last summer for a bible study.  the one who threw me for a loop at that time as well.  all because she has a little 2-year-old boy named luke. 

… … …

and I guess the thing that upsets me isn’t so much about losing luke as it is about the hurt and betrayal I feel from God himself.  I mean really.  come on.  here I am, trying to draw near, making an effort to study His word, spending my time being thankful and this is what I get?!  a slap in the face?!…  (that’s what it feels like anyway)

well, I stayed in the class.  I couldn’t focus very well for the first half, but I recovered more quickly than usual.  I stumbled, but I didn’t fall.  I caught my footing and was able to move along.  I was still wondering why though…….   still feeling a little hurt…  there has to be a reason….  but what on earth could it possibly be….

after all of that, I got in my van and headed for home, still wondering, but not as upset and remembering that God loves me and that I’ve got a long way to go and that even though this refining is a terribly painful process, the alternative  is much worse.  I trust that the path that He has me on is the one that will bring me home and bring Him the most glory in the process.  I throw out a quick pray to, ‘please help me here’, as I turn on the radio …. …. and when I do, the song from luke’s funeral was on. … …  … and the way I took it was… … …  ‘I haven’t forgotten.  I’m on your side.’ … … … and I really listened to the  lyrics again… for the first time in a long time… .. and I fully agreed with every word.  and I was able to say wholeheartedly, ‘I will walk through the valley, if you want me to.’

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first words…

September 16, 2010

we all know them.  we all love to hear them.  not just the mama and dada and baba… the ones that continue  to come along as our littles babes grow and learn.  when they use a word and actually understand what they just said or even use a larger word correctly, I know.  I remember.  gabrielle has been using ‘actually’ correctly for a while now.  and dawson just told me today that ‘he realized he was capable’ of something.  I was impressed more with his choice of words than the thing that he just ‘realized he was capable’ of.  but as the hectic day of school was changing into the hectic night of extracurricular activities I heard a new word that melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  a small, but wonderful word that was used in complete correct context.  a tiny little word that I have heard from so many people and yet it never ment as much as it did tonight.

I had just gotten cole set at the table with his supper and his helper and his drink.  gabrielle was all ready skipping her sweet little first grader self to the van to leave for cheerleading and I was backing out the door still listing off instructions as I think I must do all the time.  cole kept looking at me, kind of over  his shoulder and I could tell he wanted to say something.  now, please remember that he is 13, has very limited speech and trying to figure out what he might want to say will make me 15 minutes late to the little team of cheerleaders that are awaiting instruction.  I was backing out and he said, ‘wait’ and put his arms up in the air… this means that he needs a hug before you go.  he’s a big hugger and does this to almost everyone.  I gave him a hug and started backing out and again and he called ‘WAIT’ a little louder.  know he can easily got caught up in these little toddler games and as I’ve said, I need to be moving along.  I just ask what and stay where I am and wait… he looks at me…  for a bit… and then he says, ‘miss’.  … … … as in I’m going to miss you. … … …  I came back in and gave him a big hug and a kiss and then had to go.  I was so blessed and so cheered to hear that small, simple word.  a first word that I will remember for a very long time.

(sigh)

so, I didn’t actually say it, but I was thinking it.  we’re having to do some disciplining that I’d rather not do.  without disclosing too much information, let ‘s just say that my fine young man has some struggles like every other fine young man out there.  it’s so hard …   I just want to ignore it.  or even throw a fit about it and then just move on. … … … BUT… … … it’s time to let him know we are serious.  the issue is serious.  we aren’t messing around.  he’ll be sitting out of the highschool football game where the younger players all make the tunnel for the big guys to run through.  he cried when we told him.

and now…

I feel bad.  I want to cry.  I don’t want to make him sit out.  I don’t want to hold him accountable.  I don’t want to be the parents, the tough parents.  this is actually hurting me!  I want to take him to the game, give him $20 bucks and say go have some fun.  I want to just dismiss his behavior as childish, immature.  I don’t want to ‘expect more’ from him.   (sigh… sigh… sigh)  this is so hard.

and yet… I know… I have been given charge over this boy.  I am the one that must steer him in such way that when he is grown he will be a blessing and not a burden. …  dear Lord… help me.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.  Psalm 31:24

Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not turn from it.  Proverbs 22:6

I’ve been thinking…

September 5, 2010

so, I’ve been thinking.  a lot actually.  so much has happened in the last few weeks.  more than I can get put into words at the moment.  I still struggle with all things ‘baby’.  my dr. had suggested therapy a few months back for ‘post traumatic stress disorder’… which caused me to do a lot of thinking.  … is that something I could have?  I thought only our precious soldiers had that… but the more I thought about it, it started to make sense.  losing luke was traumatic.  the endless sonograms, never knowing if we would see a heartbeat or a dead baby.  the sheer helplessness of it all.  like watching my child being held hostage, tortured… never enough oxygen, never enough … and all of this going on IN my very own body!  it was a very horrific torture for me… like watching my child behind the glass of an aquarium with a faulty oxygen tank, mask.  and I am the tank.  completely incapable of doing anything to fix the situation. 

anyway…  more thinking…

a few weeks ago, while at camp (another post entirely), I had a few more very thought-provoking moments.  my eyes were opened to some areas in my life that I wasn’t looking to change or expecting to be ‘called out’ on.  my very own twisted version of jealousy.  my lack of discipline in a few areas.  things that are very lengthy posts…  I plan to write about them as I am getting them worked out, as I understand them better a little bit more myself.  I just wanted to update you all and let you know I’m fine.  I’ve just been thinking…