I’ve been thinking…

September 5, 2010

so, I’ve been thinking.  a lot actually.  so much has happened in the last few weeks.  more than I can get put into words at the moment.  I still struggle with all things ‘baby’.  my dr. had suggested therapy a few months back for ‘post traumatic stress disorder’… which caused me to do a lot of thinking.  … is that something I could have?  I thought only our precious soldiers had that… but the more I thought about it, it started to make sense.  losing luke was traumatic.  the endless sonograms, never knowing if we would see a heartbeat or a dead baby.  the sheer helplessness of it all.  like watching my child being held hostage, tortured… never enough oxygen, never enough … and all of this going on IN my very own body!  it was a very horrific torture for me… like watching my child behind the glass of an aquarium with a faulty oxygen tank, mask.  and I am the tank.  completely incapable of doing anything to fix the situation. 

anyway…  more thinking…

a few weeks ago, while at camp (another post entirely), I had a few more very thought-provoking moments.  my eyes were opened to some areas in my life that I wasn’t looking to change or expecting to be ‘called out’ on.  my very own twisted version of jealousy.  my lack of discipline in a few areas.  things that are very lengthy posts…  I plan to write about them as I am getting them worked out, as I understand them better a little bit more myself.  I just wanted to update you all and let you know I’m fine.  I’ve just been thinking…


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