fall like rain…

December 31, 2010

my day started with someone knocking at the door about 9:00 this morning bearing flowers and words of love from a dear friend.  beautiful, vibrant flowers.  knowing that others are remembering me and mine today is a very sweet balm to my wounded soul.  I have another friend who had dropped off a box of little gifts secretly, 10 days ago, to help ease the week or so building up to luke’s birthday.  (same friend who did that last year too)  it may sound a little silly, but it really does help.  the gifts are simple… a box of tea, a notebook, candy, a book, kleenex… but, and maybe this is because my love language is gifts,  these little things mean a great deal.  each one is wrapped nicely and has a verse that kind of goes with the gift.  I love the gifts, the friend, the thought behind it all.

about 10:00, brian left to go pick up all the balloons.  he brought home balloons and a few long-stemmed roses.  they smell so sweet.  we all wrote little messages on them and then headed outside to let them go.  it is so fun to let balloons go.  something you never really get to do and are often warned against.  they all look so lovely floating away.  next year I think we’ll get more.

after letting them all go, we headed out to champps for lunch, just like we do for everyone else’s birthday.  that was nice too. 

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when we got home, there was another delivery.  white roses and evergreens with a snowflake in the middle from my parents.  it has  such a lovely piney scent and is one of the most beautiful arrangements I’ve ever received. 

all these wonderful things, along with… cards in the mail, emails, FB messages, texts, hugs, thoughts, prayers and concerns… really carried me through the day.  I understand that it has been 2 years since the most traumatic experience of my life was coming to a close, but at the same time that just seems impossible.  that seems to have happened just yesterday.  I still hurt, I still want him, I still think of him all the time.

as we were driving off to lunch, a song by jeremy camp started as if by cue.  it was the song, I still believe.  part of the lyrics say,

“but it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain”

and I closed my eyes and leaned my head back and thought, yes… this is what is happening… all these gifts, all the concern from my friends… this is God, working through them to bring me some sort of peace.  and as His grace falls like rain, it really is washing away my pain.  thank you so much to all of you who were part of the comfort and joy today that was falling like rain all about me and mine.

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if only…

December 29, 2010

we went to see the movie tangled last night.  it was wonderful.  of course I cried, but that isn’t really any big news.   I see many parallels with my life,, which I’m sure, other people relate it to their lives as well.  here’s how I felt it fit me… start with this happy couple who has their beautiful baby stolen away in the night.  every year on her birthday they release lanterns to remember her.  there was a scene towards the end where the king and queen are getting ready to send up the lantern for what should be their daughters 18th birthday.  the queen is straightening the king’s pendant and when she looks up at him, he has a tear about to come rolling down his cheek… he misses his baby and wants her back.  he is heartbroken… utterly heartbroken.  that was probably the hardest part for me.  I clearly remember a very similar situation between brian and I.  seeing him hurt and broken is more painful than being hurtand broken myself.  I really wish he didn’t know this kind of pain.

anyway, back to the movie… near the end, ryder is willing to give up his life for rapunzel’s, even as she is trying to sing her magical song over him and  give up her freedom so that he may live.  and even though she can’t save him with her magical hair, a tear of ‘true love’ falls on to his cheek and that is enough to restore him.  joyfully he comes back to life and they fall into each other’s arms and live happily ever after.  if only it were as easy as a tear of true love, or simply singing a magical incantation of your heart’s desire, if only…

‘flower gleam and glow, let your power shine, make the clock reverse, bring back what once was mine,

 heal what has been hurt, change the fate’s design, save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine, what once was mine….’

at a loss…

December 22, 2010

so you know my BSF group is a challenge, just because of the pregnant women and then the addition of a woman due with a little boy at the end of december.  well… she had the baby.  his name is luke.

I’m not saying in any way that she shouldn’t name her baby whatever she wants.  obviously I love that name too and think it is wonderful for a baby boy.  the part that leaves me speechless is just that this whole thing is happening.  I mean statistically speaking… what are the odds?!?!  in all of the twin cities, all the bible studies, all the different discussion groups in each bible study… I’m in the one with the woman who has a little boy and names him luke just as we near what should be my luke’s 2nd birthday.

again with the in your face, all the time, taunting…  it makes me very weary. (not that I wasn’t weary before)  I’m to tired to even think about it.  I’m at a loss…

remember…

December 16, 2010

as I pull my winter jammies out and put on the striped pair from gap, I remember that I was wearing these jammies as brian and I toured the NICU and looked at the other little one pound babies and got all the info on where we would be moved to when we finally delivered…

as I soak in the tub, I remember how I used to sit in the tub for some very long stretches just staring at all the miscellaneous bottles of soap, shampoo, lotion, cleanser and such paying especially close detail to the net ounces of each product and debating about whether luke weighed more or less than these multi=colored bottles scattered around my tub…

as I stare out the window and watch the pretty little snowflakes fall, I remember how it seemed like it was snowing every time I would leave yet another ultrasound or test or dr appointment for luke…

as I buy a size 14 shirt for dawson at gap kids and think about how next year I’ll be shopping adult sizes for this kid, I remember how many years I spent cruising the sale rack at baby gap and how I had just bought the cutest ‘little monkey’ shirt for luke just two years ago…

as I hang various snowflake ornaments all about our christmas tree and house… … … I remember.