there is an hour…

February 15, 2011

There is an hour, in everyday, that I greatly look forward to.

It isn’t because of where I am or the things I get to do.

I could be in Tahoe or Whistler or even the Mediterranean.

I could be skiing, sunbathing or cruising on a Harley-Davidson.

Or maybe it’s an ordinary kind of schedule I’ll keep,

with carpools, kids, cooking and laundry knee-deep.

Whatever the plans are going to involve for the day

I still look forward to my favorite hour in exactly the same way.

It’s all about you Babe! and how much comfort you bring,

I count down the hours, and all the while, my heart sings.

When will that hour come and finally be here,

when I can crash next to you and be pulled oh so near?

The peace and quiet at the end of another long day,

all made perfect by your love and your ‘sugarmouth’ ways.

when did this happen…

February 8, 2011

after a long and challenging day of home school, I made a rather frantic call to brian, expressing that it would probably be in the best interest of all involved if he could get home quickly after work.  (just the kind of call I’m sure he loves to get)  of course he asked and answered all of the obligatory questions and then he decided it would better for him to stay home for the night rather than go to bsf…  he had some ‘principal’ work to attend to.

as the afternoon was wearing on, I started to think that I acted in haste and a certain young man would be paying for that when his dad got home.  I also knew that brian can be very loud and definitely intimidating when he wants to be… especially if you are half his size.  I started to feel bad.  what could I do about it at that point?  brian does not like it when someone is giving me grief, even if that someone is another member of the family… he wasn’t going to just forget about it and move on with his day.  he’s going to want to fix the situation. 

so then, as I stood in the kitchen, watching the silver pony (that’s what we call the truck) back into its parking place, I got a little nervous about what was about to go down.  needless to say, I was more than pleasantly surprised when my sweet lover and protector calmly walked in the door and exchanged all the usual niceties with everyone.  then I began to wonder if there would be any punishment… I mean, I expected something… I didn’t want dawson to get away with the behavior that had been incessant all day.  I didn’t want him to be hollered at necessarily, but I did want him to be accountable.

no sooner had I thought that, then I heard brian call from his desk, “dawson.  come over here and bring your bible.” in a very stern, you-better-be-paying-attention kind of voice.

I stood there by the sink, thinking to myself, ‘hhhhmmm.. this is could be interesting…’

anyway, long story short, brian had dawson write out about 6 different verses from his bible dealing with wisdom, obedience, love and respect.  I was SO impressed and all most moved to tears that this was the consequence that brian had come up with.  he never raised his voice in the slightest and obviously had put some thought into what would happen when he got home.  I got all warm and tingly and started falling in love with this man all over again… one more reason to love him(or maybe four or five reasons)… he wants to raise these children in a godly manner… he’s doing his best… he’s always on my side… he loves them… he loves me…

all that back story just to say:

then my thoughts went to, ‘when did this happen?!’  I mean, at what point in my life did a man with some kind of moral convictions become charming to me?  I don’t remember ever  thinking that I would want to be married to a man who reads his bible or a man who would have a conversation with his children about why it is so important that they love, honor and respect their parents… not that I didn’t want that, I just wasn’t aware of it at the time.  and yet, that’s exactly where I am now.  I wouldn’t want anything less.  I know it has happened in the last few years, because I can remember the first time I became aware of this ‘draw’ towards a man just because of his faith.  we were sitting in church and when the pastor asked if there was anyone who would like to stand and say the verse for the week, a young man proudly stood and recited the whole thing ( and it was long ).  I was greatly impressed and thought to myself that someday that fine young man would make someone a great husband.  he became more attractive of a man, just because of his love for Christ.  that had never been a feature that I had been attracted to before in my life.  now it is.  which leads me to conclude, that brian and I are living proof that God is amazing in His ability to change lives, hearts and minds, for His pleasure and for His glory, through putting a desire for a godly man in my heart and softening brian’s would be anger to a gentle answer … and that was just today!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

~2 Corinthians 5:17~

I love you…

February 14, 2010

you love me when you hold me tight,

when you tuck me in and turn off the lights.

you love me when you bring me flowers,

when you listen to me talk for hours.

you love me when you start my bath,

when you whisper things that make me laugh.

you love me when you play our song,

when you pull me close and dance along.

you love me when you bring home chipotle for two,

and because you love me…


what I’m dealing with…

October 18, 2009

door county '09 058

as you look at this picture, keep in mind that I have no idea what brian is doing with his face… or hands for that matter.  he’s such a … ? …  I don’t even know what to call him.  this is what I’m dealing with. ; )

I love him.  so much that I can’t even explain it.  there aren’t words.  just like I can’t describe the depth of pain I know, I can’t describe the depth of love either.  he is my rock in this shaky world.   my steadfast love.  whenever I say, ‘I love you’ to him he always says, ‘I love you more’ back.  … … … sometimes I think he’s right.  it isn’t that I don’t love him, as I’ve said before, but he does love me and take care of me at such a level of ‘what can I do to make you happy’, that sometimes I wonder if I can love back as much.


our little adventure was great.  we fall right back into what it was like before kids.  it is so nice to go to bed when you want, get up when you want, eat when you want… the list goes on.  having kids really is a sacrifice.  it is an absolute blessing and yet a sacrifice of self needs and wants.

the countryside of door county is beautiful.  rolling hills, picturesque farms, crashing waves along the shore, little towns and autumn at its peak.  it was amazing.  to look around and see all the handiwork of God.  from the color and tiny details of leaves that cannot be duplicated or captured on film to the vastness of water, so deep and dark.  here He is all around us, in all of our everydayness.  you just have to see  it as you are looking all around.  when we were up on top of a tower in peninsula state park, there amongst the graffiti was a psalm…

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Psalm 104:3

He lays the beams of his chambers  on the waters;

he makes the clouds his chariot;

he rides on the wings of the wind;

very fitting I thought as I gazed out over waters stretching to the horizon, clouds being blown through the sky and the wind in my hair.



it was good to get away.  to spend some time just being us…  at one point, when we were driving by endless cottages and bed and breakfast places, all promising a romantic stay, I said, ‘we’re not really romantic’.  brian, always with an answer, said, ‘we’re passionate.’  there is a reason I call him sugarmouth.  it’s because he always has an answer that makes me smile. … and he would say that is his main goal … almost all the time.  he’s right of course. …  my hero. …  always there. …  my steady.  I love him.

door county '09 049

secret lovers…

October 13, 2009

I’m heading out of town tomorrow to spend a few days with my lover.  we are heading to door county, WI.  it looks fabulous.  it will be away from here and that in and of it self is fabulous.  we plan to hike around the beautiful state parks and see amazing sunsets out across lake michigan.  we are staying on a golf course on washington island thursday night.  it should be fun.  I love to drive the cart and brian loves to play so it works well for everyone.  ; )

the kids will be fine.  they will be in very capable hands with other very capable hands available if need be.  it takes a whole team of people to get us out of town.  aids for this time and that time and therapy while we are gone to help the aids get a break.  dinner plans and timelines.  medicine inventory and potty information.

being so excited to be away from the kids makes me feel a little hypocritical.  here I am always talking about how much I want my baby and yet here I am so excited to be away from my kids.  which is it?  well….  it is both.  just because luke isn’t here doesn’t mean that I need a break from the 3 that are with me and just because I need a break doesn’t mean that I don’t want luke.  I know all that, but trying to remember it wears me out.

I hope to spend the time focused on what I do have, on this wonderful lover of mine who looks after me so well.  let everything else just fall away and live very much in the present moment.  that’s my goal.  I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like a blazing fire,

like a mighty flame.

song of songs … 8:6

a year ago…

July 3, 2009

a year ago I found out I was pregnant.  I got to give brian the best anniversary present ever … I told him he was going to be a daddy again, just what he always wanted.

 this year, there is a beautiful, sweet smelling, yellow rose bush in our front yard to remember that baby.  not exactly the way we planned things to go…  and yet our life together goes on.  thankfully, our life goes on well.  there are hard days and tough situations but we make it through.

as we celebrate 13 years of being happily married, I have to stand back and take it all in.  I am amazed that we have made it this far and that we have done so well considering all that has been entrusted to us.  this solidifies for me that there has to be a god … and a great god at that.  only He could get us through things we vowed we would run from.  only He could hold us together as we let our baby boy go.  only He could have known.  only He knows all that is to come and what we will have to look back on in the year to come.    

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  

Jeremiah 29:11

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January 24, 2009

at some point in the last few months i mentioned that i would like a kaleidoscope.  brian let it slip that he was trying to plan a trip out to lake tahoe.  he thought we could go to a little shop we had been to before that sells kaleidoscopes and pick one out  for my birthday.  he is so wonderful.  not that we are going… but… to know that he thought of that makes me love him so much.

our lives have been like a kaleidoscope…  sometimes the main colors are dark, other times they are bright, but it has always been beautiful…