Dawson concert 07 018

look at that smile.  and it is genuine!  one thing with cole, he is genuine.  I don’t know that he could fake an emotion, whether it be joy, frustration, fear or praise, he tells it like it is.

cole is about to be 12.  this is hard to believe.  where do the years go … even when the years are hard?

a little more about him…

born at 37 weeks, by emergency cesarean, on july 16, 1997.  weighing in at 5lbs 2 oz.   we spent 2 weeks in the NICU with oxygen, unstable blood sugar, jaundice.  infantile spasms at 6 months.  we were at the hospital or doctor’s office 56 times in his first 52 weeks of life.  we’ve had seizures and surgeries, blood draws and IVs, pneumonia and dehydration.  we’ve bought wheelchairs and bathseats, been to therapy and therapy and therapy.  through it all, cole has been a trooper.  he is always smiling, loves to sing, hugs his doctors and nurses, a friend to all.  seriously.  when we go to target or the mall or any other place, someone knows cole.

his birthday is always bittersweet for me.  of course it is exciting and fun like typical birthdays, but there is also pain.  I relive the day he was born … just like I’m sure many moms do.  except there is alot of wondering, alot of guilt.  … I should have gone into the hospital sooner … why did I wait at home … I should have woke brian up earlier … is this my fault … did I do this … on and on it goes.

and yet, where would we be without cole???  my guess is that we would be an average family, going about our days.  we wouldn’t notice the little things that we do now … like how each word is a big accomplishment, …  ‘mama’ wouldn’t sound so sweet.  or how each step is amazing when you think about how many small muscle groups and large muscle groups are involved.  or how the sound of true, uninhibited worship might not sound like everyone else in the choir.  hallelujah.

I’m not even sure if we would have made the jump from knowing in our heads to believeing in our hearts.  which is  the difference between life and death … the difference of heaven or hell.

so, at the end of the wondering and guilt I come back to … ‘this must be the plan for us.’  maybe God knows the best path to bring us home.  maybe that path is through the difficulties and blessings of having a disabled child.

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